So every morning I get to Wiki-How-To’s Wikipedia’s version of the “How to” Their advice ranges from How to: make dresses out of t-shirts, Michael Jackson Halloween costumes, Apologize, and today’s is How to Have a Witty-Conversation.

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Witty-Conversation

So their first suggestion is, when someone is talking to you –listen, think about how you want to respond, and then respond. It’s sad that this is given as advice, and sadder still that we need this as advice. There is an epidemic of people who speak without thinking a la Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, etc, but I don’t think it necessarily follows that thinking before you speak will make any comments wittier; however it may stop you from saying something really stupid, which in turn would make you a wittier conversationalist overall.

Their other comments make a reasonable amount of sense –referencing movies and current events, using metaphors, exaggeration, and/or sarcasm. However, their last comment also needs to be mocked –dress the part. Wiki suggests that dressing wittier, ie: wearing glasses, a beret, or an age appropriate sport-coat will make you a wittier conversationalist. Now I am all for dressing for the job you want but I’m not sure you can dress for the personality or conversational skill you want.

Manners 101

Ok boys and girls; let’s talk about manners, more specifically appropriate and in-appropriate responses in specific situations:

Example 1: You are a university professor who is interested in selecting a new book for the course you are teaching. The publisher of a book you were thinking of selecting very graciously sent you a free copy of that book, but you wanted more information so you wrote a note to the publisher and asked for confidential sales information. When the publisher politely responded saying that they could not send you the confidential sales information you should:

A. Not respond at all and the matter could end here
B. Send a polite response back saying, “Thank you for responding to my inquiry”
C. Reply that this will negatively affect your decision and thank the publisher for responding to you

Any of these would be appropriate responses in this situation. Now let’s see what actually happened:

The University Professor responded:

Rest assured then that your book will not be adopted at [School name]. Best wishes and go to hell,

Now class this is an example of a rude, over response. One can surmise that the University professor was frustrated by not getting the confidential sales information from the publisher, but even in times of frustration it is important to be courteous and respectful to people.

Let’s move on:

Example 2: It’s 8 am and you are a troubadour, evangelist, or homeless person riding the NYC subway, asking the other passengers for money, food, or their souls. Are giving your speech or performance you walk through the subway car holding out a receptacle for the other passengers to give you food/money/their souls. After receiving few responses you should do the following:

A. Get off at the next subway stop and enter a new car to try your speech/message/performance for a new group of people
B. Sit down or stand quietly for the remainder of the ride
C. Find a more appropriate venue for your message/speech/performance

Any of these would be appropriate responses in this situation. Now let’s see what actually happened:

The homeless man riding the NYC subway continues his message chiding people for their rudeness in not responding to him and questioning their mother/parent/or legal guardians’ parenting skills in the pedagogy of manners and polite behavior. Said homeless man then approaches a train passenger who is absorbed in reading and asking for a smile and a handshake.

*Now, a little aside from the main focus of this class, but this needs to be communicated: if you are a person who has stopped bathing for a length of time, it is unhygienic to then ask strangers on a train to touch your hands, especially during a pandemic flu outbreak.

Class, this is an example of being rude and invading someone else’s personal space. If you have delivered your speech/message/performance and people are not interested or do not willingly give you food/money/their souls/handshakes/smiles do not demand them and insult that person’s upbringing.

And finally class, let’s discuss Example 3: You are a teenage boy with your friend on a residential street at approximately 9 pm. You see a person walking down the same street pushing a cart filled with laundry. You find this person to be attractive and would like to pursue a physical sexual encounter or impress your friend (we at the testing facility couldn’t really tell what you were aiming at.) You should:

A. Introduce and talk to the person walking down the street before trying to pursue any sort of physical sexual encounter
B. Upon seeing that this person is busy with a laundry cart, not interrupt them and walk away

Either of these would be appropriate responses in this situation. Now let’s see what actually happened:

Teenage boy stops the person walking down street, rudely demands personal information, and then when the person walking down the streets refuses to give said personal information, call that person a rude name. Meanwhile your friend, who you may or may not have been trying to impress with this whole charade, has walked down the street in the other direction, clearly not wanting to be associated with you.

This is an example of being rude and embarrassing your friend, both of which show poor manners to the person walking down the street and your friend. This behavior should be avoided at all times.

This concludes this week’s class on Manners: Appropriate and In-appropriate Responses in Specific

Situations.

I just finished Dan Brown’s new book, The Lost Symbol. Frankly, it is exactly what it is supposed to be, page-turner thriller with lots of twists and turns, a crash course in symbols and Masonic history, and an ending where good triumphs over evil. While the end was a bit preachy for my taste, his millions of readers got exactly what they were asking for and they shouldn’t be disappointed.

What I find frustrating about the media swirling around this release are the critics who grasp for faults and write contrary reviews for the sake of being contrary. Take Maureen Dowd’s review in the Sunday Times Book Review. She had the following grips with Dan Brown

He is too kind to the Free Masons
(An organization that has been mislabeled and misunderstood for centuries, Yes Maureen, Brown should have been another voice to propagate rumors and allegations just to be a contrarian, pots-stirrer)
He used too many metaphors
(This isn’t journalism, or non-fiction in anyway. This is a quest-novel, popular thriller –so yes Brown used a widely popular and respected literary device. His metaphors weren’t even all that cliché.)
Not enough sex in the book
(I think this says more about Maureen than Dan Brown. Just because the ‘questers’ are a man and a woman it doesn’t naturally follow that they need to end up in bed together. Over the course of the book the two protagonists are hijacked by a mad man, have friends hurt and killed, are on the run from a mad man and the CIA, both almost killed, and go on a whirlwind historical tour of ancient mysticism but yeah somewhere in those 450 pages Brown should have had them go at it like rabbits.)

Dowd’s review can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/books/review/Dowd-t.html?_r=1&ref=books

But really I think Dowd liked the book and that’s why she had to grasp at straws to find something negative to say about it. Lately I’ve found all media critics automatically give any book, movie, TV show a bad review and I think it’s because they think that makes them a better, more prestigious reviewer. Why can’t you just say you liked the book/movie/TV show.

But because I live in a glass house and I have stones in my hand I have to admit, working in a prestigious publishing house surrounded by people smarter, wittier than I, I sometimes hide what I read or watch because I think those people will look down on me or it for being popular. But that stops today –in my free time I read contemporary fiction and most of that is mystery/thriller/quest novels. I watch cheesy drama TV. I like the puzzles and learning why people do what they do and it it’s not blatantly obvious I don’t try to figure out who the bad guy is or what the twist will be before it happens –I’d rather enjoy or be surprised by it as it does. I read what I read and watch what I watch because I enjoy it, not because I have something to prove to peers.

Ode to the In-home Washer and Dryer

For the last three years my roommate and I had the coveted in-home washer and dryer, when friends came to the apartment everyone gawked over the thing of wonder; people paid us to do their laundry in our apartment.

That was the good life.

Now that I have moved, while my new apartment is great, it does not have a washer dryer. I’ve done my laundry twice now at the laundromat; and both times it has been an experience.

The first time wasn’t so bad except I didn’t really know what I was doing. The aisles are tight and everyone has carts that need to get through so I was always in someone’s way. Then I loaded my clothes into the washer and went to pour the detergent on top of my clothes, like one does with every other washing machine I have ever used, an Asian woman who works at the laundromat comes running over “NO, no, no --on top, on top.” With these industrial washers you pour the detergent in the top so it releases during the wash cycle. That wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have 10 pairs of eyes rolling at me at one time --stupid, white girl who doesn’t know how to do laundry.

Yesterday, after a rough day at work I was pushing my cart filled with weeks worth of dirty clothes, the sidewalk is uneven and the wheels on my cart caught. The cart tips forward, and I am trying not to fall onto the cart and the sidewalk so my arms are pinwheeling as I stumble forward. I do catch myself but crash my shins into the cart in the process. As I finish righting myself and the cart, I look up to see an older Russian man laughing at me, choking out “Are you ok?” between breaths.

“Oh graceful as ever” I replied.

“I give it a 9.5 --you missed something on the landing.”

I was so nice to do laundry while I cooked dinner, or on a whim when I wanted something clean and I found enough to make a load. So much easier.